A Temporary Vegan

I've been eating vegan for 10 days now. 21 more days to go! It's more difficult than I thought: I find myself sick of soy products already. So I will need to find more bean and quinoa recipes in order to survive the next 20 days.

And I am making a vegan chocolate cake this weekend - recipe courtesy of the Moosewood website. I've had it at Moosewood restaurant, and it tasted non-vegan and wonderfully sinful. I just looked at the ingredient list and all of the ingredients look like what a normal cake would have just without the eggs or milk or butter. The one magic ingredient turns out to be vinegar! Can you imagine? I am totally psyched about this.

This diet is a result of too much meat and cheese in Europe (mostly too much cheese I think). So being vegan is mainly for detoxification. Also as a challenge to myself: I wanted to see if I could do it.

For the past few years I've wanted to be vegetarian for environmental and social justice reasons, but I suffer from the difficulty of liking meat. It tastes good. I love food. And many dishes are just not complete without the flavor of meat and fish. Writing that sentence was surprisingly painful- my favorite daydream activity is planning what to eat or cook for the next meal, and being vegan has made this activity more of a chore.

Nonetheless, being a temporary vegan has it's upsides: 1. It has made deciding what to order at restaurants super easy (there are usually only one or two things I can eat). 2. It's a wonderful excuse to explore the many bean and grain dishes I've been meaning to try cook. And that vegan chocolate cake! 3. I feel self-righteous when reading articles such as this one: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1879192,00.html

So we'll see how the rest of this month goes. It's tough, but it's giving my a whole new perspective and attitude towards foods. And, oh, did I mention that vegan chocolate cake?

Snowflakes

My roommate and I spent around an hour shoveling our driveway yesterday evening, only to discover our driveway covered in a foot and a half of snow again this morning... but we are lazy today, so we will resume shoveling tomorrow...

On a happy note, in my search for songs about snow this morning, I remembered the nutcracker and came across this video that made me smile. Hope it tickles you, too, whoever you are, reading my blog...

When life hands you lemons...

I know that sulking about it or getting mad or making delightful plans in my head on how to sabotage the new office space will not get me anywhere. That what I need to do right now is try to make the best out of whatever I'm getting... but somehow I can't win myself over with that argument.

One thing is that I've been making lemonade with my current office already. I don't like it. I'd mostly rather be at home or in a library somewhere. But I go anyways, I go because I like being around everybody else, I like being able to bug people when I have a question, I like being there so that my advisor can find me when he wants to, I like having conversations and being part of a community.

Maybe if I were a serious physicist I'd be thinking only about science and not ambience. It's true when I first started I was so excited about being able to do something, that I didn't mind going to Clark nights and weekends, and hardly noticed my surroundings. But nowadays if I am stuck or feeling down the office just pushes me further. It literally makes me cry sometimes.

So I decided to make lemonade. I decided that yes we can and should do something about it. Make our own place more cheerful. So I talked to Sumiran and Hitesh about it, and we started writing a petition. Even if nothing came out of it, I felt glad that at least we were trying to do something. I admire the fact that Kendra, Shankar, Jeehye and Katie bought plants for their office, and threw some of their clutter away. I was thinking about doing the same thing with my office, cleaning it, putting in some plants, putting up pretty posters... until I heard I had to move...

Now all of the sudden I'm informed I'm supposed to move to this gigantic cubicle with ugly carpet (and ugly dividers (but then how can dividers be pretty anyways)) and small desks and an insane amount of file cabinets, and poorly designed everything (except chairs). In a still windowless room, except now with 30 other people. And of course I'm upset. I'm upset because I know it is out of my control and I am in no position to request anything. I am upset because I know I'm supposed to just roll over and say okay fine let me think how to spruce this new crappy place up as opposed to my old crappy place. (And I never thought I'd prefer my old crappy place to any other, but I do.)

And then there's "the way things are" which means we will probably spend a lot of time asking for things, and then get none of them. Probably not blackboards. Probably not even moving the furniture around. Getting larger desks is obviously a pipe dream.

And so irrationally I've decided to sulk. I am officially sulking. I am not putting any effort into designing the stupid place. Do not come to try to persuade me with any lofty statements about rising above my own feelings or doing anything for the welfare of future grad students. I declare and defend my right to sulk.

Cause I don't see any sugar, so how can you expect me to make lemonade.

The Way the World Is

I've been reading a book called Cheap: The high cost of discount culture. The title can probably clue you in to what it is about. It's a history of how "cheap" came to be the driving force behind the retail sector and how it has affected manufacturing in all sectors.

I feel a familiar anger and frustration and helplessness and guilt whenever I read books like these.

It's not very well written to be honest- a bit too dry and the chapters do not seem to make the book a coherent whole and the editing is quite shameful- but the author summarizes many interesting facts and researches her subject thoroughly and avoids being emotional which is exactly what I am being reading this book.

Enough about writing quality, and back to my feelings:

Anger and frustration: Why is the world so messed up? Why do we have enough food for everyone on this planet, yet people still starve? Why do we turn a blind eye to all the environmental damage we are doing just so we can drink cheap milk and eat cheap shrimp?

Frustration and helplessness: I would be willing to double my grocery bill if it meant a few more percent of the world population could be lifted out of starvation. I would be willing to pay an extra 5% in taxes if it meant that the unemployed and poor could get more help, the infrastructure in the United States could be repaired, and children could get a better education (And I can't even vote in this country!). And I know many many people who feel the same way. Democracy does not work! The market economy does not work by itself! But then non of the other available options seem to work well either. Argh.

Guilt: Sometimes I'd like to help make the world better but don't know where to begin. And sometimes I know exactly what would be the right thing to do but fail.

I've returned my parking pass and am taking the bus (and biking once the weather is warmer) this year. But I know I will still drive around when parking is free and take long distance plane rides a few times. So I may think I'm reducing my carbon footprint, but probably not by a noticeable amount.

I've donated some money to charity last year, more than I have in the past, and plan to do the same this year. But I know I could put in more- I know I could choose not buy that eyeshadow or that new yoga mat and have an extra $50 to give...

Ever since being in Ithaca and under the influence of friends who are vegetarian and vegan, I've had less meat in my diet compared to when I was in Taiwan. Although I am a huge fan of tofu, and I am well aware of the evils of meat on the environment, I've tried being a part-time vegetarian and failed... because meat still does taste good to me... and I have these sudden cravings for beef noodle soup sometimes...

And so I feel guilty. A friend once told me "You do what you can." But I know in my heart I could do more, lots more.

But I guess I can work towards more. And that's my very vague new year's resolution.

10 years

Every time I go home, I like going through my things and remembering times past. My shelves and drawers are cluttered with photos and journals and stories I've written. In Ithaca I am mostly a forward looking person, because nothing much is stored there relating to who I was, so I focus on who I strive to be. But when I come home, I realize I rather like and miss this person who stayed in this room in which I'm sleeping.

I was flipping through my journal at home. There is an entry every few months, because I had to be in a certain mood to write and record. But there was one tradition I kept up for quite a few years, that on my birthday I would record my most up-to-date status in life, in the form of lists. Here is a snapshot of me on my 18th birthday:

Favorites: Ed Harris, Edward Norton, Books by Cynthia Voigt, the song "Starry Night" by Don McLean, History, Physics, ice treats, solitude and friends.

My hopes, dreams and fantasies: be in a band, act in a movie, become a brilliant scientist, travel around the world, publish a book, keep in touch with all my best friends, and study in a world renowned institute of science.

I read this and laugh at how young and silly I was. But am also impressed that I am now studying physics at a decent graduate school (I recall that this seemed the hardest task to achieve when I was 18!). I don't want to be in a band anymore, but I would like to be in a movie (or on broadway). Publishing a book doesn't seem all that hard anymore, although writing a good one does. And keeping in touch with friends has had mixed results, friendship is a two-way street after all...

Now that it is 9 years later, and the start of a new year, let me record once more:

Favorites: yummy vegetable dishes, fresh kale from the garden, bubble tea, spending time with my sister, apricot flavored white tea, hanging out with friends, cooking for people, watching documentaries on how the world is messed-up and feeling self-righteous, yoga, dance, singing, mario-kart, finishing a book, and interesting conversations about random things.

My aspirations: travel the world, not feel like a total loser when I get my Ph.D., make a positive difference in other's lives, not lose my temper at stupid things, and make better choices in general (plus be in a movie or on broadway)

Hibernation

Jolyon just reminded me I haven't updated my blog in 6 weeks.

Maybe I've been busy. But maybe it's just winter. I feel slow. And heavy. (I have stored a significant amount of hibernation fat!) All I want to do is sleep and drink hot cocoa.

Actually, during this 6 weeks I have had thoughts for blog posts that I wanted to make known to the world. But I store them in my mind for a day or two, never get to them, and they slip away, into oblivion.

Life lately feels like a monotonous drone. I drag myself through grading and teaching and doing research. Yes, it feels like I'm dragging myself. No jumping or skipping or sparkles lately. I think I will blame it on the weather.

The little events I've looked forward to have come and gone. My choir performance. My thanksgiving in Toronto. Now I've sailed past those lighthouses what I have before me is a dark sea of winter. Oh yes, there is still Christmas where I get to go home. But that is 3 weeks away, so that light is still faint.

But in this sea of darkness there is something I look forward to, consistently: Savasana at the end of each yoga practice. I love that little escape of just lying there, being there in my body, and quiet, letting go of all of the other stuff outside that moment.

Oh and also there's another moment every night, when I'm warm underneath my covers in bed, just before drifting off to sleep. In that moment all my frivolous worries seem to evaporate, and lying there warm and sleepy, I have a vague realization of how comfortable and fortunate I am, to be here, to be me.

So I will fight off hibernation with my little moments of bliss. And winter will pass. As it tends to do. (Is it wrong to be looking towards summer already?)

Jumping and Skipping and Sparkles

Last evening I saw Jesse skipping down the corridor in the basement of Clark where all the labs are located. When I commented that it was probably a lab hazard, he asked me: "when's the last time you skipped?" I laughed: "I think I skip quite often."

I'm not sure if that is accurate. I just feel like in my heart I am skipping and jumping around like a little girl these days. Even though the leaves on the trees are turning yellow, and the weather is getting nippy, I think about life and I feel all sparkly. I think it is because of all the positive energy I get from friends.

For example yesterday at Pixel. Nora and Stephen dancing like crazy. Shayna dancing with such happiness. Colwyn and Shankar dancing like themselves. And Turan trying his best to join in their excitement. I love that picture in my head. I think I will keep it there "till I'm 80".

I love them all. These people. Shayna with her ability to fill the air around her with happiness and energy. Colwyn the way he always manages to make people laugh. Turan and his terrible jokes and his considerate, thoughtful, intellectual personality. Nora who is so empathetic and noble and sweet and has the best way of hugging people. Stephen, the way he knows his mind and opinions and how much he hates musicals. Shankar who puts passion into everything he does. Kendra who can talk and talk and do research and do outreach and organize events and make great food and who I can be a girl with. And H, the dear Baloo, who is so pure-hearted and true that it just makes me want to hug him every time I see him.

There are also those friends who seem like family, that I quietly draw energy from, who see me through my troubles and trials: Yvonne who is strong, determined, and who I can call up whenever I want to rant and go out for dessert. I-Chun, who I like laughing at because she always seems to live in her own universe during conversations, but who can stay rational even when I call her and start crying and wailing. Yao who is my confidant and role model, I deeply admire the way she stubbornly and quietly works towards her goals.

And even my friend Praj who thinks she is "morbid". She actually gives me energy in her own calm (and talkative) fashion. She has a piercingly funny way of describing life and our predicament of being "27!!!". And she makes the most amazing desserts! I don't know what I would do if she ever were to move to a dream job in Boston and leave me in Ithaca.

With a life so full and rich of wonderful people how can I not jump and skip and sparkle.