10 years

Every time I go home, I like going through my things and remembering times past. My shelves and drawers are cluttered with photos and journals and stories I've written. In Ithaca I am mostly a forward looking person, because nothing much is stored there relating to who I was, so I focus on who I strive to be. But when I come home, I realize I rather like and miss this person who stayed in this room in which I'm sleeping.

I was flipping through my journal at home. There is an entry every few months, because I had to be in a certain mood to write and record. But there was one tradition I kept up for quite a few years, that on my birthday I would record my most up-to-date status in life, in the form of lists. Here is a snapshot of me on my 18th birthday:

Favorites: Ed Harris, Edward Norton, Books by Cynthia Voigt, the song "Starry Night" by Don McLean, History, Physics, ice treats, solitude and friends.

My hopes, dreams and fantasies: be in a band, act in a movie, become a brilliant scientist, travel around the world, publish a book, keep in touch with all my best friends, and study in a world renowned institute of science.

I read this and laugh at how young and silly I was. But am also impressed that I am now studying physics at a decent graduate school (I recall that this seemed the hardest task to achieve when I was 18!). I don't want to be in a band anymore, but I would like to be in a movie (or on broadway). Publishing a book doesn't seem all that hard anymore, although writing a good one does. And keeping in touch with friends has had mixed results, friendship is a two-way street after all...

Now that it is 9 years later, and the start of a new year, let me record once more:

Favorites: yummy vegetable dishes, fresh kale from the garden, bubble tea, spending time with my sister, apricot flavored white tea, hanging out with friends, cooking for people, watching documentaries on how the world is messed-up and feeling self-righteous, yoga, dance, singing, mario-kart, finishing a book, and interesting conversations about random things.

My aspirations: travel the world, not feel like a total loser when I get my Ph.D., make a positive difference in other's lives, not lose my temper at stupid things, and make better choices in general (plus be in a movie or on broadway)

Hibernation

Jolyon just reminded me I haven't updated my blog in 6 weeks.

Maybe I've been busy. But maybe it's just winter. I feel slow. And heavy. (I have stored a significant amount of hibernation fat!) All I want to do is sleep and drink hot cocoa.

Actually, during this 6 weeks I have had thoughts for blog posts that I wanted to make known to the world. But I store them in my mind for a day or two, never get to them, and they slip away, into oblivion.

Life lately feels like a monotonous drone. I drag myself through grading and teaching and doing research. Yes, it feels like I'm dragging myself. No jumping or skipping or sparkles lately. I think I will blame it on the weather.

The little events I've looked forward to have come and gone. My choir performance. My thanksgiving in Toronto. Now I've sailed past those lighthouses what I have before me is a dark sea of winter. Oh yes, there is still Christmas where I get to go home. But that is 3 weeks away, so that light is still faint.

But in this sea of darkness there is something I look forward to, consistently: Savasana at the end of each yoga practice. I love that little escape of just lying there, being there in my body, and quiet, letting go of all of the other stuff outside that moment.

Oh and also there's another moment every night, when I'm warm underneath my covers in bed, just before drifting off to sleep. In that moment all my frivolous worries seem to evaporate, and lying there warm and sleepy, I have a vague realization of how comfortable and fortunate I am, to be here, to be me.

So I will fight off hibernation with my little moments of bliss. And winter will pass. As it tends to do. (Is it wrong to be looking towards summer already?)

Jumping and Skipping and Sparkles

Last evening I saw Jesse skipping down the corridor in the basement of Clark where all the labs are located. When I commented that it was probably a lab hazard, he asked me: "when's the last time you skipped?" I laughed: "I think I skip quite often."

I'm not sure if that is accurate. I just feel like in my heart I am skipping and jumping around like a little girl these days. Even though the leaves on the trees are turning yellow, and the weather is getting nippy, I think about life and I feel all sparkly. I think it is because of all the positive energy I get from friends.

For example yesterday at Pixel. Nora and Stephen dancing like crazy. Shayna dancing with such happiness. Colwyn and Shankar dancing like themselves. And Turan trying his best to join in their excitement. I love that picture in my head. I think I will keep it there "till I'm 80".

I love them all. These people. Shayna with her ability to fill the air around her with happiness and energy. Colwyn the way he always manages to make people laugh. Turan and his terrible jokes and his considerate, thoughtful, intellectual personality. Nora who is so empathetic and noble and sweet and has the best way of hugging people. Stephen, the way he knows his mind and opinions and how much he hates musicals. Shankar who puts passion into everything he does. Kendra who can talk and talk and do research and do outreach and organize events and make great food and who I can be a girl with. And H, the dear Baloo, who is so pure-hearted and true that it just makes me want to hug him every time I see him.

There are also those friends who seem like family, that I quietly draw energy from, who see me through my troubles and trials: Yvonne who is strong, determined, and who I can call up whenever I want to rant and go out for dessert. I-Chun, who I like laughing at because she always seems to live in her own universe during conversations, but who can stay rational even when I call her and start crying and wailing. Yao who is my confidant and role model, I deeply admire the way she stubbornly and quietly works towards her goals.

And even my friend Praj who thinks she is "morbid". She actually gives me energy in her own calm (and talkative) fashion. She has a piercingly funny way of describing life and our predicament of being "27!!!". And she makes the most amazing desserts! I don't know what I would do if she ever were to move to a dream job in Boston and leave me in Ithaca.

With a life so full and rich of wonderful people how can I not jump and skip and sparkle.

10/10/10

A day of 10/10/10 happens once every thousand years. It was a pleasant Sunday just like any other, but then a day just like it won't happen ever again.

My friend Shayna told me about a "diary project" by Irene (Zee) Zahava that would collect the entries of many Ithacans, and make a collage of sorts to see what typical Ithacans did on 10/10/10. I may be late in entering, and I can't resist letting my writings be known through my blog posts...

10/10/10 was a day of hanging out with three awesome friends Colwyn, Shayna, and Stephen. In the morning I woke up rather early for myself on a Sunday to go to Yoga Club (9 am, I know, I am lame). Yoga club was formed by my three awesome friends to practice Ashtanga Yoga. As a person new to Yoga, I am still learning how to control and live with my body and breath, and to deal with my very limited flexibility. Today was the first day I joined Yoga Club since they moved to a larger space at Jillian's Corners in the Commons. I am very glad to have this awesome Yoga club to go to and share a practice with friends. Although my legs were sore from hiking the day before, I enjoyed the stretching and breathing and the meditation at the very end.

After a challenging yoga practice, we went for lunch at an "Asian fusion" restaurant in the Commons. The restaurant serves Thai, Japanese, and Korean, and then bubble tea (which I claim to be Taiwanese). Ravenous from our workout we delighted in devouring our food, and then after our hunger had eased we exchanged gossip and philosophy and childhood stories and even thoughts on PMS. Shayna and I had green tea bubble tea, and we both agreed that it is the best dessert and drink rolled into one.

We hung out outside in the Commons after lunch, had coffee and drinks while chatting about all things under the sun. We watched cute little kids run around in the open space, and Colwyn and I longed for the days when we could run around and scream without feeling weird about it. So as we were leaving for our next destination, we put our yoga mats on our heads, and did some light running around, being silly. We discovered Stephen could hold his Yoga mat an amazingly long time on his head while walking.

After a good bake in the sun, we headed to the public library next since Shayna wanted to tell us about the diary project, and I wanted to find travel guides for upcoming trips to DC and Toronto. We sat in the library, Shayna writing about her day so far, me excitedly reading about my Toronto trip that is more than a month away, and Colwyn and Stephen drawing pictures.

We split ways after our quiet time in the library, Shayna had to head home and take care of pets, and I had to go to the garden to take care of my vegetables. My garden was in disarray due to 2 weeks of neglect, but I was pleased that the plants were still alive despite the cold weather of the weeks past.

Colwyn and Stephen invited me to have juice at Colwyn's place after my short gardening excursion. And with Colwyn's fancy juicer, we made a wonderful carrot, beet, apple, orange and ginger juice, which was spicy and refreshing and just the thing our thirsty bodies needed after our morning Yoga practice.

During our conversation about cabbages and kings and Colwyn's dvd collection, the vegan Stephen asked me if I loved animals. I, the shameless meat eater, pondered the question, and asked "I don't know what it means to love animals." How do we humans who take so much from the earth, find a balance we think is right? How do I, who is a foodie, who loves the taste of meat, become more responsible for what I eat and put in my body? These were very hard questions, and our discussion lightly grazed the surface of my troubles, gently stirring what I have been pondering for quite some time.

I went home for a light dinner, and later again joined Shayna and Colwyn for a warm evening of chatter and tea, surrounded by pets. Our chatter drifted from gossip to relationships to dating to Spanish... and sleepily we concluded the evening of 10/10/10 with me driving home at midnight, happy to have had the company of interesting friends throughout the day.

Strings and Space Time and All That

I went to a talk today and it sounded like science fiction to me... spacetime doesn't exist, we are all holograms... just so that black holes emitting radiation don't have the problem of clashing with quantum mechanics. Something or the other.

The talk was about was physics too, or some people believe, the frontier of fundamental physics...

And I felt like an outsider looking in!

Makes for a good story though. Something about hidden dimensions, multiverses, and us being holograms can capture the general public's imagination. I'm imagining if I were a 15 year old in the audience, I would wanna grow up and study that stuff. Of course now I'm grown up I realize that the day to day of that is some really difficult math, and not many ways (yet!) to check your answers.

The Coolin

We sung this piece by Samuel Barber at practice yesterday, it was just beautiful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14srUr_8p0g

I love the lyrics (poem by James Stephens, this Irish guy) and Samuel Barber's chords...

Come with me, under my coat,

and we will drink our fill

of the milk of the white goat,

or wine if it be thy will.

And we will talk,

until talk is a trouble, too,

out on the side of the hill;

And nothing is left to do,

but an eye to look into an eye,

and a hand in a hand to slip;

and a sigh to answer a sigh;

And a lip to find out a lip!

What if the night be black!

And the air on the mountain chill!

Where all but the fern is still!

Stay with me, under my coat!

and we will drink our fill

of the milk of the white goat,

out on the side of the hill!

Ah...

Christine O'Donnell beats Mike Castle in the Delaware Republican Senate primary...

I understand some of the anger and energy against incumbents. Sometimes I too wish we could change all of the dysfunctional congress and put new people in their place...

But... can we have a better pick of alternatives?