Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hibernation


Jolyon just reminded me I haven't updated my blog in 6 weeks.

Maybe I've been busy. But maybe it's just winter. I feel slow. And heavy. (I have stored a significant amount of hibernation fat!) All I want to do is sleep and drink hot cocoa.

Actually, during this 6 weeks I have had thoughts for blog posts that I wanted to make known to the world. But I store them in my mind for a day or two, never get to them, and they slip away, into oblivion.

Life lately feels like a monotonous drone. I drag myself through grading and teaching and doing research. Yes, it feels like I'm dragging myself. No jumping or skipping or sparkles lately. I think I will blame it on the weather.

The little events I've looked forward to have come and gone. My choir performance. My thanksgiving in Toronto. Now I've sailed past those lighthouses what I have before me is a dark sea of winter. Oh yes, there is still Christmas where I get to go home. But that is 3 weeks away, so that light is still faint.

But in this sea of darkness there is something I look forward to, consistently: Savasana at the end of each yoga practice. I love that little escape of just lying there, being there in my body, and quiet, letting go of all of the other stuff outside that moment.

Oh and also there's another moment every night, when I'm warm underneath my covers in bed, just before drifting off to sleep. In that moment all my frivolous worries seem to evaporate, and lying there warm and sleepy, I have a vague realization of how comfortable and fortunate I am, to be here, to be me.

So I will fight off hibernation with my little moments of bliss. And winter will pass. As it tends to do. (Is it wrong to be looking towards summer already?)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Jumping and Skipping and Sparkles


Last evening I saw Jesse skipping down the corridor in the basement of Clark where all the labs are located. When I commented that it was probably a lab hazard, he asked me: "when's the last time you skipped?" I laughed: "I think I skip quite often."

I'm not sure if that is accurate. I just feel like in my heart I am skipping and jumping around like a little girl these days. Even though the leaves on the trees are turning yellow, and the weather is getting nippy, I think about life and I feel all sparkly. I think it is because of all the positive energy I get from friends.

For example yesterday at Pixel. Nora and Stephen dancing like crazy. Shayna dancing with such happiness. Colwyn and Shankar dancing like themselves. And Turan trying his best to join in their excitement. I love that picture in my head. I think I will keep it there "till I'm 80".

I love them all. These people. Shayna with her ability to fill the air around her with happiness and energy. Colwyn the way he always manages to make people laugh. Turan and his terrible jokes and his considerate, thoughtful, intellectual personality. Nora who is so empathetic and noble and sweet and has the best way of hugging people. Stephen, the way he knows his mind and opinions and how much he hates musicals. Shankar who puts passion into everything he does. Kendra who can talk and talk and do research and do outreach and organize events and make great food and who I can be a girl with. And H, the dear Baloo, who is so pure-hearted and true that it just makes me want to hug him every time I see him.

There are also those friends who seem like family, that I quietly draw energy from, who see me through my troubles and trials: Yvonne who is strong, determined, and who I can call up whenever I want to rant and go out for dessert. I-Chun, who I like laughing at because she always seems to live in her own universe during conversations, but who can stay rational even when I call her and start crying and wailing. Yao who is my confidant and role model, I deeply admire the way she stubbornly and quietly works towards her goals.

And even my friend Praj who thinks she is "morbid". She actually gives me energy in her own calm (and talkative) fashion. She has a piercingly funny way of describing life and our predicament of being "27!!!". And she makes the most amazing desserts! I don't know what I would do if she ever were to move to a dream job in Boston and leave me in Ithaca.

With a life so full and rich of wonderful people how can I not jump and skip and sparkle.

Monday, October 11, 2010

10/10/10

A day of 10/10/10 happens once every thousand years. It was a pleasant Sunday just like any other, but then a day just like it won't happen ever again.

My friend Shayna told me about a "diary project" by Irene (Zee) Zahava that would collect the entries of many Ithacans, and make a collage of sorts to see what typical Ithacans did on 10/10/10. I may be late in entering, and I can't resist letting my writings be known through my blog posts...

10/10/10 was a day of hanging out with three awesome friends Colwyn, Shayna, and Stephen. In the morning I woke up rather early for myself on a Sunday to go to Yoga Club (9 am, I know, I am lame). Yoga club was formed by my three awesome friends to practice Ashtanga Yoga. As a person new to Yoga, I am still learning how to control and live with my body and breath, and to deal with my very limited flexibility. Today was the first day I joined Yoga Club since they moved to a larger space at Jillian's Corners in the Commons. I am very glad to have this awesome Yoga club to go to and share a practice with friends. Although my legs were sore from hiking the day before, I enjoyed the stretching and breathing and the meditation at the very end.

After a challenging yoga practice, we went for lunch at an "Asian fusion" restaurant in the Commons. The restaurant serves Thai, Japanese, and Korean, and then bubble tea (which I claim to be Taiwanese). Ravenous from our workout we delighted in devouring our food, and then after our hunger had eased we exchanged gossip and philosophy and childhood stories and even thoughts on PMS. Shayna and I had green tea bubble tea, and we both agreed that it is the best dessert and drink rolled into one.

We hung out outside in the Commons after lunch, had coffee and drinks while chatting about all things under the sun. We watched cute little kids run around in the open space, and Colwyn and I longed for the days when we could run around and scream without feeling weird about it. So as we were leaving for our next destination, we put our yoga mats on our heads, and did some light running around, being silly. We discovered Stephen could hold his Yoga mat an amazingly long time on his head while walking.

After a good bake in the sun, we headed to the public library next since Shayna wanted to tell us about the diary project, and I wanted to find travel guides for upcoming trips to DC and Toronto. We sat in the library, Shayna writing about her day so far, me excitedly reading about my Toronto trip that is more than a month away, and Colwyn and Stephen drawing pictures.

We split ways after our quiet time in the library, Shayna had to head home and take care of pets, and I had to go to the garden to take care of my vegetables. My garden was in disarray due to 2 weeks of neglect, but I was pleased that the plants were still alive despite the cold weather of the weeks past.
Colwyn and Stephen invited me to have juice at Colwyn's place after my short gardening excursion. And with Colwyn's fancy juicer, we made a wonderful carrot, beet, apple, orange and ginger juice, which was spicy and refreshing and just the thing our thirsty bodies needed after our morning Yoga practice.

During our conversation about cabbages and kings and Colwyn's dvd collection, the vegan Stephen asked me if I loved animals. I, the shameless meat eater, pondered the question, and asked "I don't know what it means to love animals." How do we humans who take so much from the earth, find a balance we think is right? How do I, who is a foodie, who loves the taste of meat, become more responsible for what I eat and put in my body? These were very hard questions, and our discussion lightly grazed the surface of my troubles, gently stirring what I have been pondering for quite some time.

I went home for a light dinner, and later again joined Shayna and Colwyn for a warm evening of chatter and tea, surrounded by pets. Our chatter drifted from gossip to relationships to dating to Spanish... and sleepily we concluded the evening of 10/10/10 with me driving home at midnight, happy to have had the company of interesting friends throughout the day.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Strings and Space Time and All That


I went to a talk today and it sounded like science fiction to me... spacetime doesn't exist, we are all holograms... just so that black holes emitting radiation don't have the problem of clashing with quantum mechanics. Something or the other.

The talk was about was physics too, or some people believe, the frontier of fundamental physics...

And I felt like an outsider looking in!

Makes for a good story though. Something about hidden dimensions, multiverses, and us being holograms can capture the general public's imagination. I'm imagining if I were a 15 year old in the audience, I would wanna grow up and study that stuff. Of course now I'm grown up I realize that the day to day of that is some really difficult math, and not many ways (yet!) to check your answers.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Coolin


We sung this piece by Samuel Barber at practice yesterday, it was just beautiful!


I love the lyrics (poem by James Stephens, this Irish guy) and Samuel Barber's chords...

Come with me, under my coat,
and we will drink our fill
of the milk of the white goat,
or wine if it be thy will.
And we will talk,
until talk is a trouble, too,
out on the side of the hill;
And nothing is left to do,
but an eye to look into an eye,
and a hand in a hand to slip;
and a sigh to answer a sigh;
And a lip to find out a lip!

What if the night be black!
And the air on the mountain chill!
Where all but the fern is still!
Stay with me, under my coat!
and we will drink our fill
of the milk of the white goat,
out on the side of the hill!


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ah...


Christine O'Donnell beats Mike Castle in the Delaware Republican Senate primary...

I understand some of the anger and energy against incumbents. Sometimes I too wish we could change all of the dysfunctional congress and put new people in their place...

But... can we have a better pick of alternatives?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Cycles


Another school year, another round of trying to juggle research, teaching and having a life.

I think I'm getting better at this time management thing. And that focus and concentration thing.

It's only been two weeks so far, but compared to the lazy summer it feels like it's been forever... I have nightmares twice a week that I've overslept and am late for my 9 am discussion section, which result in me waking up realizing it's only 6:30 am... Mondays through Thursdays are section and office hours and meetings and trying to squeeze in research in between all that. After yoga class or swing dance or tango practice in the evenings I drag myself back to the office and try to squeeze in another hour or two of work. After 4 days of such a routine, by Friday I'm usually too tired to think, and waste my day doing this and that (such as prepping for lab, or grading, or some type of housekeeping)...then 4:30 pm rolls along, and I go sing! And then after choir practice there's some fun activity in the evening. Last week it was weeding the garden with Amanda, then going to Wegmans and Greenstar to get ingredients for our pumpkin beef stew (which turned out completely amazing!). This week it was a beer tasting party, and then having dessert and gabbing at Madeline's with girlfriends. Then the weekend is a lazy combination of hiking and work(?) and swing dance class and socializing and thinking about possibly cleaning my room...

My life is filled to the brim. Yet I still want more. I want to have time to sit still and think deep thoughts and read all those books on my reading list and write better planned blog posts.

While in this week-to-week cycle, time goes both quickly and slowly. It seems slow while I'm trying to grade homeworks and debug code... yet it all seems so quick when I realize that three years have passed and there's a good possibility I'll be graduating in two years.

Seeing my senior lab mates looking for jobs is scary. This is what I'm supposed to be doing next year?! I do not feel ready for that, and feel very inadequate as a scientist- there's so much I don't know, there's so much I need to learn how to approach, how to think as a scientist, how to ask questions... and I'm getting quite used to this cycle of being busy, with school, with life, with friends...

But I will make the most of my final few cycles at Cornell. And look forward to whatever is next. Whatever exciting possibilities await.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Song

I am looking forward to this Friday afternoon! Because it will be my first Choral practice in years. I auditioned last week, and am joining a mixed voice chorus this semester!!

During the three times I went to bible study this summer, the part I enjoyed most was the singing in between reading psalms. I loved the mixture of different textures of voices around me. And the way when somebody with an especially nice voice sat behind me, I would tingle with pleasure while their voice filled my ears.

So I realized how much I miss singing in a choir.

I sang with the largest choral group at my university during undergrad, and I loved every moment of song during our practices. Twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. I never minded giving up Friday evenings to spend three hours singing. And even though before performing we had to go through an excruciating process of tests and extra practice time, I loved standing on stage under a spotlight, knowing that my voice was carried out with a hundred others towards the audience and maybe one song or two would resonate with them. Classical, new-age, local, international, all songs, I loved them all (well, most of them).

I never had a great voice, nor was any good at sight-reading. But it didn't matter, because singing with a chorus is a collective effort, and I like to think that over the years I slightly improved in recognizing a harmony (not so good at that either yet, but I try).

The audition process last Tuesday left me in a high. Mostly because I was flattered when the instructor asked me if I have perfect pitch after hearing me sing a few notes. But also because I was reminded of how much I enjoy the challenge of listening and singing. There was this test where you had to pick out the top middle or bottom notes from a variety of chords. For some reason, I always got the middle right, but had lots of trouble with bottom (all my years as an alto...).

Anyways, I'm looking forward to this Friday! Meanwhile, there's this piece I came across by the younger generation of my former chorus, which is simple but quite nice:

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Eat Pray Love


Yesterday I went and saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" with one of my good friends. She was the reason I read the book, and so it was extremely appropriate that I should see the movie with her. (Although I had many many hesitations about seeing this movie, since they cast Julia Roberts as Liz Gilbert...)

I remember it was a few months ago, just before my trip to Italy, that my friend and I were having dessert at Madeline's, and she told me I should buy this book and read it. I had been moping around for about half a year, and this friend was one of the only friends I would listen to when she gave me advice, partly because we had similar experiences. (All my other friends' efforts and kindness were often wasted on me. I dismiss whatever they said, because how could they understand what I was going through.)

So a few days later I bought the book, and it was one of the things I looked forward to in my day. Every day before bed I would share with Liz her experiences, and thoughts, and grief, and guilt, and healing. And I cried and laughed and laughed and cried, and wished I had Ms. Gilbert's gift of writing so honestly and with humor.

And I cried especially hard when I read her conversation with Richard from Texas in Chapter 48:

"... You're like a dog at the dump, baby- you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it."

I am no longer the dog licking the empty tin can, but the movie used that last line 2 or 3 times, and each time I heard the lines delivered I felt tears well up in my eyes. But they were not sad tears, nor happy tears, but the huge emotion of remembering how I was moved by the wisdom of that statement, and marveling at how true it was.

And Julia Roberts was not half bad, although I can imagine if they cast somebody else, they might've bought a different angle to this movie. And the movie was not half bad either, although it only managed to capture a fraction of what was magical about the book, but that was all compensated by the appearance of Javier Bardem. (Or at least according to my friend.)

I enjoyed the scenes in Italy and Bali. Italy because every scene and street looked familiar like I had personally walked it. And Bali for all it's beauty, for it reminded me that there are still so many undiscovered corners of the Earth I'd like to see and visit.

On its own, the movie was not so great, I glanced at my watch more than a few times. But seeing the movie with my friend was meaningful to me because it reminded me of the book, and the book as a marker in my life. After the movie, I fondly thought of a certain someone, now 4000 miles away, now no longer a part of my life. And I smile when I miss him, and I send some love and light his way, and then I drop it.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I want my Mommy

This morning I was talking to my mommy. I still feel like a little girl in my mother's eyes, and I wonder if this will ever change. I am 26, almost 27, and still there are times when I feel oh so very small and want my mommy and daddy (and I still call them that too).

I remember a few days ago on my way to the garden Taylor Swift's "The Best Day" happened to start playing. http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/The+Best+Day/2wVL3e
And I couldn't help but park my car on the side of the road, and sit there and start crying like a crazy person.

Because I miss you. And sometimes I don't know how to balance what I want in life with how much I miss you. Sometimes I want to explore the world and roam around and do great things. And then some days I'd like to give up on the stupid physics stuff and jump on a plane and go back home and chill with my parents- watch TV with my dad, listen to my mom talk and talk, and get annoyed at them, and just be around.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Carbon Offsets


My vegan (save the Earth, save the animals) friend Stephen and I were just chatting about carbon offsets, and how he buys one for flights he takes. I am in principle in favor of the idea... and would like to buy some for those international flights I take home each year... my excuse for not doing this before is I just feel like I need to understand what my money for the "offsets" are going to. (Yes yes I am the lazy hypocrite...)

In the process I found this link, which has a nice summary of the companies/organizations offering :

http://www.ecobusinesslinks.com/carbon_offset_wind_credits_carbon_reduction.htm

well, this makes my life easier. and removes my excuse for laziness.

carbonfund.org claims it only costs $17 to offset me driving my Corolla around for a year. $28 to offset my roundtrip flight from new york to taipei (but $76 if I include radiative forcing... oh stupid dirt and ozone... hmmm if we could find a way to get rid of that from the jet emissions... )

Anyways, does not seem all that expensive.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I believe in God, just not yours


Since I was very young I wanted to have faith, or a religion to belong to. I was a precocious child with a sharp sense of mortality. Every night before bed I would think about death, how one would cease to exist afterwards, and how in the vast universe, my self, my consciousness would be lost, a "being unrecoverable". This emptiness scared me, and therefore I envied those around me that had faith, that believed in afterlife or reincarnation.

My parents, like most typical Taiwanese, did not have a particular religion, but since we were in Wisconsin they would send me to Sunday school just for the social activities. I enjoyed making puppets of lambs, getting pretty little bookmarks with psalms, and hearing about the stories of Christianity. And I even started praying secretly every night, my own personal conversation with God, and I would always end my prayer with "Please bless Mommy, Daddy, and my sister Jesse, and help me be a better person. Amen."

The problem with this was that even though my conversations with God were powerful for me as a child (imagine talking to the universe!), the basic assumptions and requirements of Christianity did not agree with me. I did not like the exclusiveness of Heaven to be those who believed in God through Jesus. Actually, Jesus, this towering figure who always looked so sad on his cross scared me as a child. The fact that he was crucified was only terrifying and not at all touching to me, because my eight year old mind did not see how logically it was possible that through sacrificing himself God would forgive the rest of us for our sins. And ultimately, try as I might, my critical scientific mind could not believe in Heaven or an afterlife. I wanted to so very badly. It's just that the same part of me which knew with conviction there was no tooth fairy and no Santa Claus, knew with the same intuition that people must have made up this Heaven stuff just to make ourselves feel better.

So as I grew up, I prayed less and less. I slowly adopted a more pagan method of faith, I would sometimes have conversations with the trees and the skies when I felt lonely and in need of strength. And then as I grew up more, those conversations also ceased.

In high school and college I sometimes felt a longing for those days when I did believe in God or magical trees. But I knew that I did not have the capacity beyond my logical mind to accept the doctrine of most religions, and so I gave up on looking.

My trip to Italy sparked an interest in reading the Bible. So much of western culture and art and history is intertwined with this book and its stories that I felt I should read it properly at least once. But knowing how lazy I am, I started going to a bible study in a Christian fellowship. The bible was interesting, and as a grown up, I could try to understand the discussion more from different points of view, I no longer felt compelled to parse everything down with logic.

This is where I discovered that I do have faith, just not a faith that is compatible with theirs. Or any other mainstream religion.

The God I believe in is like abstract art, there are different interpretations and different manifestations, depending on the observer. For me God lies in the power of the natural universe (why are there physical laws? and why these ones?), this pull to search for something divine that tugs at most of the human race, and the existence of a universal moral code. I believe that beyond science and atoms and quarks, there is something greater that ties us all together. Different methods of worship are just different pathways towards divinity, and all contain wisdom about this search accumulated by the generations of humanity before us. Religion is a beautiful product of humanity. Many religions believe in a single God, some, like Buddhism believe divinity is within each and every one of us and can be reached by our own work, and then some believe in multiple Gods. Yet I do not believe that any single vehicle can be 100% correct, but that every one must find their own way for themselves. And I believe that those who find it necessary to oppress other views actually are in spirit further away from that concept of the divine. When I believe in my God and not yours, it should not make yours any less valid. I should not have to destroy you or object to your ideas to prove that I am right.s

I am a person of faith, just not of any religion. And I believe in God, just not yours.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Awesome Island

I have a tendency to blabber, mostly about things I don’t know but which have happened to catch my attention. I’ve been reading this book/memoir written by a death penalty lawyer, called “The Autobiography of an Execution”. And so the death penalty ended up as conversation after dinner with friends one evening, and I blabbered on and on about how I am shocked and appalled by the injustices in this system, that I had never really realized it was so bad, that the death penalty is racist, classist and the difference between being executed or not is most of the time luck and legal technicalities which are stupid et cetera et cetera.

From this sorry state of affairs in capital punishment, my friends and I went on to count how many things are wrong with this society, such as corn subsidies, gender inequality, global warming…

Two of my friends, Stephen and Nora, sighed and said how they have this fantasy about buying an Island, and only have awesome people who “get it” live on it. They would have sustainable farming (and in Stephen’s island no using animal labor!), and justice for all, and gay marriage, and do things properly, responsibility, democratically. They would try to screen people for this awesomeness, and require a willingness to participate in cultivating such a positive and environmentally responsible community.

I joked how this would make a horrible reality show, where people would be kicked off the island. “You’re not awesome enough.” Stephen would say in a deep overly dramatic voice, then there would be sad sappy slow instrumental music and shots of people loading their bags onto solar-powered boats.

Other than my tendency to blabber, I also have the tendency to challenge other people’s ideas even if I think they are cool. Especially if they are cool. I bought up many technical reasons why this island would not work, and why it was not as awesome as they thought. If you are unsatisfied with the way the world is, why go hide in an island? Why not change the world?

“It’s impossible.” Nora and Stephen argued, empathetically. “We’ll make our island a success first, and use it as an example for how people should do things”

Is the world really beyond repair?

I know that feeling that Nora and Stephen were expressing: we look at the state of the world, and just feel helpless. Like we are the lone sensible people in the world. But I object to the concept of an island, because the world needs us sensible people to be part of it. It needs us who are so blessed and have so much-- we have the luxury of sitting around after dinner fuming about the injustices of the world, and the luxury of blabbering in a blog. We should use our vast resources and try to make the world more like what we would like it to be.

How can we not commend those that try to push against the forces that sustain injustice and poverty and inequality? Even if for these individuals or groups some of their efforts are futile? Wouldn’t we be worse off if they did not exist? To all those activists who dedicate their lives to making the world better, I salute you. To all those ordinary people who take the time or money to put a few drops of “just” in the ocean of injustice, I salute you.

And to myself, the intellectual who sits around and complains about how the world is not perfect, maybe it’s time I get off this awesome island where I sit and complain and jump into the sea of trying to make a difference.

Don't give up Jon


I've had a crush on Jon Stewart for years. But lately I don't follow the daily show quite as often, because:
1. I don't follow the news very closely, and feel that watching the clippings from the daily show will result in ill-informed judgements on my part.
2. Spending time watching Jon making fun of the stupid politicians and stupid news pundits is not the same as DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. (I keep planning to use this time sitting on my butt to do something worthwhile, but so far I just keep sitting on my butt, daydreaming...)

But still I am happy that Jon and his writers exist-- this segment is so well done and so true that it made me feel so sad. it makes me feel like maybe i will do something about it: like call my congresspeople and tell them they are f**king idiots.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-august-4-2010/i-give-up---9-11-responders-bill



Monday, August 2, 2010

Welcome back to facebook


One month off facebook. I am now back on the evil addictive networking site.

A month ago I left facebook with the goal to be more like that imagined ideal of myself before I was allowed to reactivate my account, but in the end the prospect of seeing pictures my friend Yvonne would post of a trip to New York City was too great a lure for me, and so not nearly a better person or closer to my goals, I am back.

Other than that vague goal of wanting to be a better person, I also wanted to curb my addiction to this stupid website. Which I often checked as often as e-mail throughout the day.

In the beginning of my detox, it felt weird, sometimes I would type the web address into my browser and almost log in, almost like a reflex of being in front of my computer. I itched and wondered what my "friends" were doing. Detox is hard, I mused. Life seemed awfully quiet. I found out that I am in fact rather lonely.

But in the end, I adjusted, with time spent away from the internet and prowling facebook, I called my sister more often, sometimes was inspired to e-mail far-away friends that I miss and ask what they're doing. Instead of reading status updates, I kept up with global news. Instead of going through people's photos, I read books and other online media, watched more movies and TV shows. Instead of updating my own status and posting things, I wrote longer articles and musings for myself and for my blog.

And now I know which of my 480 friends on facebook care to take the time and call me or write me an e-mail when I am not easily accessible through a profile page. Way way less than 480. But I am glad you exist. :D

(okay, now I have to refrain from logging into facebook and posting this to my profile :p)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A matter of practicality

On the trip back from New York City, my friends and I got into a brief discussion about Taiwanese politics. Three Taiwanese girls from different backgrounds (whose parents had very very different political views), and one Chinese girl from mainland China.

The three Taiwanese explained to the Chinese girl that in Taiwanese politics there are two main parties, the pan-blue (KMT) and pan-green (DPP). They are usually caricutured as pro-unification and pro-independence. But our pan-blue representative in the car clarified that it's not pro-unification, but to keep the "status quo".

What is the "status quo"? It is the fact that Taiwan operates independently in governance, international trade, military, but stumbles around in diplomacy (and therefore international events). We have more military power than Japan, yet are forced to call ourselves "Chinese Taipei" in the olympics and other world games. We elect our own president, and legislature, yet only 23 countries have diplomatic ties with us. We have a very succesful national health care system that covers most everyone on the island, yet we cannot get a seat in the WHO, or the UN, or most other things for that matter.

The "status quo" is de-facto independence. So one could argue that both major parties in Taiwan are in favor of independence, and so are the majority of voters. What differs is their attitude towards relations with China. One side is more pragmatic (and at the same time slightly erring on the side of being a push-over). The other side takes a more confrontational stance, an attitude cultivated by starting out as an opposition party in a authoritarian environment.

The Chinese girl in our company was surprised: "well if there are only 23 countries that admit you are an official country, why is it easier for you Taiwanese to get visas for the United States and many European countries than it is for us?"

The answer is the world is pragmatic. People will in the end find a way for things to function despite the politics. Just like the fact that although it sucks to be called Chinese Taipei during the olympics, if that's the way we get to compete that's the way we'll do it, after all it's just a name.

And most of the time we feel all of the fuss about cross-strait relations is just politics, often mostly posturing and competition between China and the United States, and misuse for election purposes by our own local politicians. We real people have more practical things to worry about, such as what to eat for dinner.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fiction

Sometimes I wonder about the distinction between fiction and non-fiction.

For which writer of fiction does not draw on life experiences and events real. And for writers of non-fiction that write about their own life experiences, do they not distort, cut, or edit to shape their stories into something more engaging?

Just some random thoughts from reading the wonderful essays from David Sedaris. Who I don't believe has a more interesting life than I do, just a more humorous writing style.

I've always envied people who are naturally funny. I want to be naturally funny.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Harvest



This is my first season gardening, and aside from the part where I have to pull weeds, it is quite fun. My roommate Amanda and I are sharing the garden, and both being novice gardeners, at the start of the season, we just stuck seeds in the ground and hoped for the best. Miraculously, half of the plants we sowed grew, even though we couldn’t really tell what they were when they first started.

I squeal with delight when I see a plant growing happily in the sun. And when I see a small fruit, in the form of zucchini or pepper, drawing nutrients from the plant and slowly expanding, I am in awe of how these plant things manage to convert sun energy into such a tangible form. I have derived so much joy from just admiring how big and leafy our garden is that I don’t know what I will do when winter time comes and I won’t have a garden to visit anymore.

And of course my excitement was hard to contain when we first started getting zucchini, luffa and peas in our garden three weeks ago. I stood and gazed at the fruits, and said adoringly, “Oh, you are soooo cute.” Other than zucchini and luffa, we have planted green beans, peas, bell peppers, tomatoes, kale, brussel sprouts, and eggplant.

The peas had shown up quite awhile ago, and Amanda and I were unsure as to when we were allowed to harvest them, and so we gently tugged on a few, and since they were stubbornly stuck to their vines, we assumed they were not ready to come off, and decided to wait a bit longer. Then, a week ago, the plant started dying. One day after watering the garden, I reported to Amanda that this was happening, and we were both at loss to what the cause could be, because we diligently watered our garden every day.

I ended up asking my friend I-chun, a seasoned gardener (well, 3 seasons I think, but she does have horticulture degree), what was going on. She laughed and said peas are an early plant, and we should harvest the peas if they are big enough to eat. So the conclusion is they are probably done bearing fruit, and we should salvage whatever is left. Amused, she also asked how our luffa was doing. I-chun had been kind enough to give us leftover seedlings of luffa. I proudly said that one of the plants had survived, and there was a large luffa growing on it. I-Chun was promptly envious because all her luffa plants in her own plot had died.

A few hours later, I get a call from I-Chun who tells me that she and her husband went to see how our luffa was doing. And they ended up laughing so hard that a neighboring gardener commented: “well, I’m glad your garden makes you so happy.” It turns out that our luffa is not a luffa but a cucumber. So now I have a gigantic cucumber in my fridge.

(In my defense, this cucumber was spiky and had rough skin… )

In a panic, I went to my garden after her call, and decided to harvest whatever looked big enough to eat to avoid other vegetables having the same fate. I plucked a few pounds of green string beans, some more zucchini, and my gigantic cucumber. Next to the zucchini was a zucchini-like plant with a gigantic round heavy green fruit growing on it. I decided, better safe than sorry, and plucked it off it’s vine. Then I started wondering what it was…

Again I called I-Chun and described my latest harvest. She asked: Is it round? Does the plant sort of grow vine-like with large leaves that look like zucchini? Yes, yes and yes. That’s a pumpkin. She concluded.

Okay, so now I have a green pumpkin in addition to a cucumber as large as my forearm. Ah, the joys of gardening.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

TIMER

I watched the movie TIMER last night on netflix instant play. It’s a romantic comedy with a science fiction element. I’ve been avoiding romantic comedies lately, they are too predictable, and they predictably make me feel depressed.

In the movie, there is a new technology that people can implant into their wrists, which is a timer that counts down, days, hours, minutes, until when you will meet your soulmate. Your One. And then when you see each other it beeps. According to the studies, 95% of people are happy with their eventual soulmate. Of course this can be both liberating and debilitating at the same time. Would we have relationships? Treat relationships differently when we have such a timer? Would you allow yourself to fall in love, make detours from your destiny?

The protagonist Oona (a very cool name) is nearing thirty, and she is in a panic that her timer has not started counting down, and so she goes around finding guys that have no timers, dating them, and then taking them to get a timer installed (and then they discover they are not soul mates and part ways). Her sister Steph has a timer that says she will meet her soulmate when she is 43, so meanwhile she is trying to pass her time by having meaningless sex.

Something about their predicament resonates with me… and reminds me of all my single girlfriends… we are not the young college girls we were, and thirty does not seem that far away from where we are standing- there is something scary about that number, maybe it’s that when we were little girls, 9 or 10, we imagined that everything would be settled by the time we were 30. (because that seemed really old at the time, and it’s a round number.) So we probably had this picture in our little heads of having a good career, nice husband, a house, a dog, and possibly even a baby.

And for some of my friends, they are on their way to that reality. But then for the rest of us single gals, things are still a confusing mess: we date a bunch of guys wondering if we are wasting our time and the other person’s time, we leap into relationships giving our best, but nevertheless getting our hearts broken, and we keep hoping for that magical someday when we will meet a person who is right for us.

As for me, sometimes I don’t feel I know myself well enough, or know what I want well enough to recognize my soulmate(s) when I see him/her. And I don’t know if that idyllic picture I painted for myself when I was younger is what I am aiming for.

But wouldn’t it be nice to have a timer? It would take all the guessing and disappointment out of this process. I would not have to wonder whether or not I’d be single forever- if that was my destiny, I would know. Wouldn’t that make life easier? The movie shows us that although with the TIMER the dynamics of dating have shifted, humans are still complicated, and the timer doesn’t necessarily make life easier.

And I guess if we look at life and love in the context of ONE soulmate or ONE destiny it makes everything else seem like detours. But if we didn’t have this process of learning and getting hurt, life would be much less interesting. As Mikey says in the movie: “Life is all about detours.”

And gradually, I’ve come to recognize that life is not a romantic comedy, the goal is not a happy ending. The only ending to life is death, and before that every moment is precious and contains all the wonderful confusing qualities that are rarely captured by movies of this type.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lucky

(Written on June 8th, 2010)

It’s my last evening in Torino, and I think I’m going to miss this place. I’m going to miss the smell of fresh bread from bakeries on every block, I’m going to miss the bustling street markets where I was too chicken to buy anything because I did not know Italian, I’m going to miss the wonderful espresso and perfect cappuccino that come in small cups (and no paper-cup-to-go monstrosities here!), I’m going to miss the fruity flavors of gelato and my excuse to have all the sugar I want… I think I’m even going to miss using badly pronounced Italian words and hand gestures to communicate.

Admittedly, there were some evenings when I felt extremely depressed and alone. The best places on Earth just aren’t fun without friends and people you love. But this was temporary, and I am glad I had to take on this solitude. It has made me stronger.

And I feel like such a lucky girl. As I sit on the bus to the train station to buy my bus ticket to the airport, I literally count my blessings. I am lucky to have such a nice collaborator to invite me here, and he was such a wonderful host. I am so lucky to have a generous advisor who encouraged me to come here. I am lucky to be a carefree grad student who can focus on her project and not worry about funding students or experiments. I am so very lucky to be young and healthy and have enough money to enjoy sightseeing and food and all these nice experiences.

Even things that irked me at the time… as I count I find that these irritations only happened because I have so much. That I am so truly blessed. I am thankful for the occasions my work made me confused, because that meant I had new problems to solve. I am thankful for the way my feet ached for 3 days after seeing Rome, a sign that I had made every effort to see Rome, and that my legs were strong enough to take me around. I am lucky I had the luxury to agonize over whether or not to purchase all those pretty things in the shops, because it means I am able to afford pretty things. I am glad that I had to travel alone, because it means I am still unattached, unmarried, and don’t have children, because I recognize that this time of freedom (probably?!?) won’t last forever. I am thankful for the language barrier, because I had to rebuild courage to communicate, a quality I’d have never thought I lacked. And I am happy that I feel sad to be leaving, because this means I have enjoyed my time here, and it also means I am going home (as defined to be the place we live most of time)!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Out of Place

I have decided to start reading Edward Said.

“…with an unexceptionally Arab family name like Said connected to an improbably British first name (my mother very much admired the Prince of Wales in 1935, the year of my birth), I was an uncomfortably anomalous student all through my early years: a Palestinian going to school in Egypt, with an English first name, an American passport and no certain identity at all. To make matters worse, Arabic, my native language, and English, my school language, were inextricably mixed: I have never known which was my first language, and have felt fully at home in neither, al-though I dream in both. Every time I speak an English sentence, I find myself echoing it in Arabic, and vice versa. http://www.lrb.co.uk/v20/n09/edward-said/between-worlds

I tried his famous book and theses: “Orientalism” in college, could not properly stomach it, and gave up to pursue more entertaining English literary such as Shakespeare plays and Edith Wharton stories.

But I love that passage about Arabic and English and being Palestinian and American and living in Egypt. I sometimes feel the same way... balancing Mandarin and English, drifting between the two, and never quite feeling at home in either.

p.s. Out of Place is the name of his memoir. I like the title. Maybe this will be my first pursuit.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

23 Days in Italy - Day 13- Roman Holiday (Part One)



I’ve been putting off writing about my trip to Rome, because I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it justice. I need better writing skills! I need a larger vocabulary! (Magnificent seems like such a pale word against the images in my brain.) But I know that if I don’t, sooner or later, the images and thoughts will fade and I will only remember fragments of stories, mostly based on pictures instead of actual memories.

I have been secretly yearning to go to Rome ever since I was 13 and saw the movie Roman Holiday for the first time. I understand now that mostly I wanted to be the adorable Audrey Hepburn and have a romance with the charismatic Gregory Peck. In reality, in my two days in Rome, I did not feel like Audrey and I did not meet a Gregory Peck. What happened instead is the movies “Gladiator” and “Angels and Demons” kept popping into my head. I did not like those movies. But I loved Rome… And in some distorted way the images from these movies bought the rich history to life while I stood and gawked at the layers of city which form Rome, from the rubble of the Empire to the majestic buildings of Baroque to the modern day tumble of people and tourists and Vespas...

Roma is quite far away from Torino, but for nothing would I pass up a chance to go there. As I've mentioned, I have been dreaming about this day since I was 13. So I took the night train, a sleeper car, to the city. A full 8 hours of sleep, aided by ear plugs and an eye mask. This was my very first time sleeping on a train, and this glossed over everything that hinted at being unpleasant. In my compartment, there was a mother daughter pair, the daughter being middle-aged, and then another old lady. The daughter spoke some English, and told me they were also all going to Rome. So when they all left the car, I stupidly got off too, only to realize I was not at the central station yet

I manage to take the metro and find my way to the hostel. I booked it mainly because I liked the colors in the pictures (which is probably the stupidest reason ever). I arrive at the hostel, and they are serving breakfast, and it seems all clean and nice, and I breathe a sigh of relief… although I’m told to check in later in the evening. And the lady serving breakfast invites me to join them with a smile.

At breakfast, I meet Emma from Toronto (but currently based in Madrid). Emma invites join her for a walk across the main ancient Roman sites. I gladly accept her invitation. After being alone in Torino for 2 weeks, I crave peers to talk to, and in English, and conversations not about science!

The other nice thing about having a travel companion is you can most often transfer some of the responsibility of finding your way through the city streets. And since Emma had been to this city before I shamelessly let her have all the responsibility of leading the way.

The Colloseum is a 15 minute walk from the hostel, and I hear about Emma’s job teaching little kids English in Madrid. She has nearly finished one school year, and has another scheduled. She has learned lots and lots of Spanish on the way, and I am envious of Madrid and the Spanish, and get nostalgic for the month I spent in Barcelona going to an overpriced language school. People often tell me Italian or French are the most beautiful languages, and although I can see their appeal, for some reason I love Spanish best.

But we are in Italy, and we discuss how easy it is to get mixed up between Italian and Spanish (although apparently Emma knows more Italian than I do also haha).

And as Emma periodically checks the map to see where we’re going, I marvel at the fact that- I AM IN ROME. AM I IN A DREAM? I want to scream or break into a dance right there in the middle of the street. But I shouldn’t scare my new friend, so I keep calm and just exclaim how I love the piazzas and the way people eat outside everywhere and even the crazy traffic... I like the crazy traffic.

We take pictures outside the Colloseum and Forum and Palantine Hill and slowly make our way across town also to the Pantheon. It is quite fun to have a photo buddy in addition to a walking buddy. I admit to Emma that when I am alone I am too timid to keep asking strangers for photos, so I never get anything but my head in the pictures. She says she asks people who look like tourists, and she also offers to take a picture for them in return. I decide I should not be such a chicken about approaching people, and for the rest of the time I am in Rome I put Emma’s strategy into practice.

After dropping in the crowded Pantheon, we grab a slice of pizza and a drink and sit in Piazza Navona. The Piazza has a beautiful fountain and people and artists selling watercolors. My pizza is wonderfully crusty and crisp on the outside while chewy on the inside, and it has wonderful tasting broccoli and artichokes on it. Over the course of my trip I’ve learned the crucial thing about Italian cuisine is to not overdo the sauce or cheese. (Americans tend to do this to their pizza and pasta). We sit and savor our cheap yummy lunch and watch the crowd and feel the sun over our heads and contemplate the beauty of having a siesta after such a walk and such a lunch.

But I only have 2 days here, and as much as I would enjoy lying down on a bench next to a fountain and basking in the warm sun, I need to cram in as much sightseeing as possible! I head towards the Vatican to see the Sistine Chapel and St. Peter’s Basilica. The guidebook keeps warning me about crazy lines, so I am pleasantly surprised as I breeze through the entrance and ticket office. Then I see the line is inside… hundreds and hundreds of people making their way through the vast extravagant Vatican museum to the Sistine Chapel at the end. One can see how powerful and rich this small country the Vatican is from the scope of the museum, and the scale of the building which houses it. I proudly remember that the Vatican is one of 23 countries that has official diplomatic ties with Taiwan. This must be the most powerful of the 23. I figure I might as well learn something and rent an audioguide and wander through pieces of ancient roman sculptures, renaissance art by Raphael, and even modern art collections that pale in comparison to the history of the old art. So for 6 Euro I get a two hour crash course in art history, and glimpses of Vatican history. Of course l forget all the interesting tidbits and facts and history I’ve learned the moment I step into the Sistine Chapel.

Because Michelangelo is a genius and everything I’ve seen before this is dwarfed by his ceiling. It’s tough being a genius though- imagine having to strain you neck and paint this whole ceiling yourself for a decade! I guess to be great, you not only have to be a genius, but also sort of crazy. But I’m glad he was crazy. As I’m sure the other 200 people sharing the chapel with me at that moment are.

Michelangelo is now my unchallenged favorite Italian artist. I now understand why modern artists focus on the abstract and try weird things. Because who can top these guys of the renaissance and baroque period for capturing human form and emotion? One has to be creative through other methods and images...

I get to St. Peter’s Basilica and see Michelangelo’s sculpture called “Sympathy” with a tender sorrowful Mary holding a limp lifeless Jesus in her arms. Somehow it does not matter that Michelangelo distorts the proportions of the bodies to get across his emotion (Jesus is so small, and the folds of Mary’s dress is so massive), nor does it bother me that Mary looks like a young teenager when she in fact should be an old lady at this point. Because the truth is in the emotions conveyed.

St. Peter’s Basilica is magnificent and horrible all at once. The marble and gold and sculptures and massive hall and sky-high dome all attest to the power and money the Catholic Church had and has. Somehow religion gets lost in all these worldly riches.

My legs and feet are now upset at me for using them in this way. So I sit outside under one of the pillars of St. Peter’s square and try to placate them. The view reminds me so much of the movie Angels and Demons I can’t help but giggle. But then I imagine the sight of the crowd that gathers here to wait for the pope. And his caravan of bullet proof cars. I imagine how people gather outside on the square when they are trying to elect a new pope and wait for that smoke signal from the chimney. I wonder what it is like to be in front of such a crowd. What it is to speak on the steps in front of St Peter’s, and be broadcast all over the world, and have people actually care what you say and don’t say. The curiosity and imaginary thrill is enough to make me want to actually hold such a position. Of course, I could never be a pope… but maybe something else...

Anyways, after having fantasies about speaking to thousands of people in St. Peter’s square. I tell my legs to stop complaining and somehow find my way to the metro station without a map. On the way out of the square, I notice there are two focal points in the oval shaped piazza. And if you stand at one of them, the pillars on the side nearest you line up. It’s really cool. I stand there and laugh for awhile, and attract the curiosity of a tourist couple, who also come and stand with me. They look around and are puzzled as to why I am so intrigued. But they are Italian, so I can’t explain myself to them.

I return to the hostel and the manager tells me he has a plumbing problem, so his dorm room is not available, he will find me a hostel somewhere else. I look at the location of the hostel he has found, which is not near a metro stop and roughly 1 km from where I am and at this point my legs are on the verge of quitting, so I nicely complain that I don’t want to walk… And we make the arrangement that I can stay in the living room, and he won’t charge me for my stay if I don’t give him a bad review (other than the $3 Euro deposit I’d already paid through the booking website). I feel quite proud of myself for arriving at this solution without having to be mean about it. Ha.

I meet Emma slightly later at the hostel, and although we both have really sore feet, we agree it’s a good idea to wander out for dinner and take a night stroll across Rome to the Trevi fountain and the Spanish steps.

Dinner is only so-so. But I have the Carbonara pastas with bacon, with a thick sauce made of eggs, cheese, and tomato. It’s pure evil, this combination. And cold zucchini with parmesean.

We stroll along the Colleseum, the Forum and Vitorrio Emanuel lit up at night. And all of a sudden I am overwhelmed with the luck I have to be here, and see all this magnificent history I have in front of me. It borders on surreal.

Emma and I stroll leisurely along the streets, coaxing our tired legs to go further. At 11pm, the streets are hardly empty, and we find out that the Trevi fountain and the Spanish steps are even busier than during the day.

We take our tourist pictures at the fountain, and I throw in 2 pennies and make a wish.

Emma and I share a small bottle of Chianti red wine on the Spanish steps. We share the steps with lots and lots of other groups of young people, staring out at Rome in nighttime, talking, and drinking beer. And also street vendors that sell little toys which light up and fly. It’s a wonderful scene. I am tired, but content, drunk on the energy of the youth and night around me, slowly sipping red wine, feeling warm and at home.

Unfortunately, eating at a public monument is against the law in Rome. So Emma and I are told to put our red wine away by the police. We move ourselves to a nearby square, and continue to soak in the Roman night air, sharing tidbits of stories and thoughts, finishing off the red wine and the beautiful night.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Great Gatsby

“The greatest American novel of the 20th century.” This is what my flowered shirt white bearded teddy bear of a philosophy professor said about “The Great Gatsby”. I don’t remember how or why it was relevant to our class. We were reading stories and writings belonging to existentialism. The essays of Camus, the underground man of Dostoevsky, the theorizations of Nietzche, have since all faded from my brain. Yet somehow I’ve always remembered that I should go read the Great Gatsby.

That was 5 years ago. Since then there have been multiple failed attempts at reading that book. I borrowed copies from the library only to get as far as Chapter 2… and each time having to start over, because I would forget what I had read already. I finally bought a copy from the bookstore, hoping that seeing it lying around everyday would somehow induce me to pick it up… Of course we all know that tactic usually has the opposite effect. And so I gave up, and actually left the copy at my parents’ house in Taipei.

One sunny day this Spring, after a bike ride downtown to the farmers’ market, I stopped by the used bookstore to cool off and rest. And there was Gatsby on sale. Actually there was a whole pile on sale. It seemed to be a sign. And so I picked up another copy and packed it in my suitcase for Italy.

During the course of my train ride to Milano and plane ride flying out of Europe, miraculously I finished it. I finished the last chapter as I was sitting on a flight that had just taken off, and the flight attendant was making this annoying 5 minute long announcement in both English and French. I felt I needed some quiet to fully appreciate melancholy last scenes of the book. But I couldn’t put it down. So between wanting to tell the flight attendant to shut up, and being swept by a wave of emotion, I read the last paragraphs:

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther… And one fine morning—

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

And I don’t know whether to feel sorry for Gatsby who clung on so hard to his elusive dream he died, friendless, or Nick who saw through the emptiness of it all or for every one of us who beat on in our little boats against the current.

Monday, May 24, 2010

23 Days in Italy- Day Six- Florence

On my sixth day in Italy, I meet the perfect guy in Florence. And he’s hot too.

He’s the one and only Michelangelo’s David.

When I first saw him standing there, underneath his very own dome in the Academia with a gentle sunlight from the ceiling falling on his perfectly toned body, I caught my breath. My goodness, David, no wonder you are Firenze’s landmark! How can you be made of marble yet so look so alive?

I literally sit there in the Academia after my tour ends and drink him up with my eyes for another 20 minutes.

Michelangelos_David.jpg

(Image from wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_(Michelangelo))

Of course I am tired too- after an early morning train ride, and being lost in Firenze under the hot Tuscan sun, and then having a two hour crash course in pre-renaissance art history at the Uffizi I do need this rest.

***

So it was on my fourth day in Italy that loneliness started to sink in. Outside of the lab I have no one to hang out with or talk to or go to dinner with. I have no means of making friends, because I am at a research institute, and there are hardly any students or people my age. So that evening I didn’t go out to dinner and sulked around my apartment, electing to eat canned soup and finish off all the strawberries in my fridge and then started watching an unhealthy amount of Gossip Girl on the Internet.

After three episodes, I decided I’ve had enough of this feeling sorry for myself, and I should definitely not stay in Torino on the weekend and continue this trend. And so I booked a train ticket to Firenze for the weekend and a hostel bed near the city center.

And so Saturday morning, I find myself waking up at 6:30 am so I can get myself to the train station and catch the 7:37am superfast train to Firenze. I usually can’t even get up before 8:30 for work! But Firenze is calling, and I manage. Besides, a 67 Euro train ticket hangs in the balance.

I love trains. Trains are wonderful. The United States needs more trains. Enough said!

The high speed train is worth the 67 Euros because by 11:00 am I am lost in the streets of Firenze. I spend a good 30 minutes walking around trying to figure out which street I am near, because the map in my pdf guidebook on my ipod is too rough to be of any help. In the end I give up, and go in a general direction that “seems right”. A few minutes later I am on the street that belongs to my hostel, and I drop off my very very minimal backpack that only contains a change of clothes and my toothbrush. (It is so nice to have a base to explore from!)

Since this is a semi last minute trip, I fail to pre-book online a reservation to the insanely popular museum, the Uffizi. The Uffizi, the guidebooks say, have the best collection of Renessaince art in Italy. Apparently one can stand in line for 3 hours and get in.

Nor do I have a reservation to see David at the Academia. I walk by the Academia, and the line seems manageable there, but I do not feel like standing in line for an hour by myself with no company…

So I find my way to the tour agency, “Walking tours of Florence”, that Rick Steves’ (and the New York Times and apparently a bunch of other people) have recommended. When you’re in a tour group, they make the reservations and you can bypass the lines. I pay them a hefty price for tours of the Uffizi and the Academia. I figure I have only 2 days to spend here, so I best make the most of it. And later I discover the tour is very much worth it!

I sneak in a large cup of gelato for lunch before the tour starts. I have dark chocolate and pistachio and “flavor of the month”, which involves yogurt, raisons and pecans. As I am eating my gelato, I forget I am lonely in Italy, I forget I don’t speak the language, I forget I am eating too many carbs and will be fat when I get back to Ithaca… Ice cream! Melts all my worries away!


I meet the tour with ice cream in hand. The tour guide, a British-Italian lady, Elizabeth, has a good sense of humor and is quite well read on her subject. As we walk through the Uffizi museum I learn about the evolution of art as a science, and the evolution of art as reflection on culture and life of the times.

Uffizi means office, these were the government offices built by the rulers of Florence (the Medici) and quite a nice space to have a museum. We look at different pieces of Mary and Baby Jesus, and see how these painters learn how to capture 3D on a 2D surface, learn how to make figures look real and full-bodied. The theme of Mary and Baby Jesus is the topic of most paintings, and we see as time progresses from medieval towards the renaissance they become more “human”. Baby Jesus goes from being a minature adult to an actual chubby lovable huggable baby.

We move through the renaissance, and the subject matter starts to be more varied, with paintings by Boticelli of greek gods and portraits of private rich people. And even at the very end an erotic painting. Claimed to be one of the first of its kind. (That I don’t know if I believe. Haha.)

There are two Da Vinci’s in the museum. I am not impressed until Elizabeth points out the interesting facts about them to me. One of them is the Adoration of the Magi, where the kings worship baby Jesus. This is a theme that has repeated itself many times in the paintings we’ve seen chronologically. While in the other paintings, the kings were always well dressed, and handsome, and the people were nice looking, in Da Vinci’s version, everybody (except for Mary and Baby Jesus) involved looks like they’re suffering, and they are ugly. Apparently, Da Vinci is trying to capture true human nature… He says that everybody wears masks all the time, it’s only when they are dying that we take the masks off… I think about this statement. I think about the masks I wear. Sometimes I don’t know where my mask ends and where myself begins. And I wonder do I look like a dying skeleton without my mask? I don’t think I’ve faced any grand challenges in this life yet, and so maybe my true nature has yet to be revealed?

I am so happy to be on this tour. I feel it is worth all of the 40 euros I paid. To hear English. To be with other English-speaking people! I wouldn’t have understood all this art if I had wandered through the museum on my own. I would've been oh, okay, very old art, interesting. Oh, big name here, big name there, must be important.

After the Uffizi, we go to the Academia and hear about Michelangelo and his life and his style of working. How he was a perfectionist who did everything himself. How he would study anatomy- how else could you sculpt a person without knowing what’s going on inside? And this was in a time when dissecting human bodies was illegal. Medical students got to look at one a year. One. He got heaps from the Church. All because he was freaking good at what he did. (Moral of the story: always be freaking good at whatever you do!) He was the first of his kind, a modern artist, who gave this image of the inspired and eccentric genius, and was a millionaire when he died.

We look at the “prisoners”, half-finished sculptures by Michelangelo that were commissioned by a pope for his own tomb, but never got finished, because there were always other popes and other projects. But they are called the prisoners because though they are unfinished, they are already life-like enough to seem to be struggling to break free from the marble and stone that is trapping them.

And then we see David. We walk all around him, and look at the way he is structured. The fine details and precision at which Michelangelo has designed him. The way his muscles are tense, ready to spring to action, how he is swallowing in anticipation, the way his diaphragm is stretched, signaling him taking a breath in, and admire the fact that when Michelangelo got this piece of marble it was something no other sculptor had wanted to work with, being the wrong shape and flawed in a couple of places.

I am so happy to be on this tour. I feel it is worth all of the 40 euros I paid. To hear English. To be with other English-speaking people! I wouldn’t have understood all this art without somebody telling me in my ear what was going on. And to hear all these interesting ancedotes about people long past.

The other members of the tours are three families with college-aged kids, and two couples. I am quite an oddity, in the world of sightseeing. I see maybe one fellow lone traveler the entire two days I am here. People tend to move around in pairs or packs. The tour guide asks me “Are you by yourself? Are you enjoying yourself?” I say “Yes!” with enthusiasm. It is half the truth. The enthusiasm and yes are for me more than anyone else. I fully enjoy keeping my own pace wandering through town and taking things in the way I want to. I enjoy making decisions like taking a tour or going to a restaurant without having to consider the financial circumstances of other travel companions. But then somewhere deep down I do want to be in a pair or in a pack.

But as I stare at David, I don’t mind I am alone. Because in this moment, it is just me and him. It’s perfection.


To be continued…