I want my Mommy

This morning I was talking to my mommy. I still feel like a little girl in my mother's eyes, and I wonder if this will ever change. I am 26, almost 27, and still there are times when I feel oh so very small and want my mommy and daddy (and I still call them that too).

I remember a few days ago on my way to the garden Taylor Swift's "The Best Day" happened to start playing. http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/The+Best+Day/2wVL3e

And I couldn't help but park my car on the side of the road, and sit there and start crying like a crazy person.

Because I miss you. And sometimes I don't know how to balance what I want in life with how much I miss you. Sometimes I want to explore the world and roam around and do great things. And then some days I'd like to give up on the stupid physics stuff and jump on a plane and go back home and chill with my parents- watch TV with my dad, listen to my mom talk and talk, and get annoyed at them, and just be around.

Carbon Offsets

My vegan (save the Earth, save the animals) friend Stephen and I were just chatting about carbon offsets, and how he buys one for flights he takes. I am in principle in favor of the idea... and would like to buy some for those international flights I take home each year... my excuse for not doing this before is I just feel like I need to understand what my money for the "offsets" are going to. (Yes yes I am the lazy hypocrite...)

In the process I found this link, which has a nice summary of the companies/organizations offering :

http://www.ecobusinesslinks.com/carbon_offset_wind_credits_carbon_reduction.htm

well, this makes my life easier. and removes my excuse for laziness.

carbonfund.org claims it only costs $17 to offset me driving my Corolla around for a year. $28 to offset my roundtrip flight from new york to taipei (but $76 if I include radiative forcing... oh stupid dirt and ozone... hmmm if we could find a way to get rid of that from the jet emissions... )

Anyways, does not seem all that expensive.

I believe in God, just not yours

Since I was very young I wanted to have faith, or a religion to belong to. I was a precocious child with a sharp sense of mortality. Every night before bed I would think about death, how one would cease to exist afterwards, and how in the vast universe, my self, my consciousness would be lost, a "being unrecoverable". This emptiness scared me, and therefore I envied those around me that had faith, that believed in afterlife or reincarnation.

My parents, like most typical Taiwanese, did not have a particular religion, but since we were in Wisconsin they would send me to Sunday school just for the social activities. I enjoyed making puppets of lambs, getting pretty little bookmarks with psalms, and hearing about the stories of Christianity. And I even started praying secretly every night, my own personal conversation with God, and I would always end my prayer with "Please bless Mommy, Daddy, and my sister Jesse, and help me be a better person. Amen."

The problem with this was that even though my conversations with God were powerful for me as a child (imagine talking to the universe!), the basic assumptions and requirements of Christianity did not agree with me. I did not like the exclusiveness of Heaven to be those who believed in God through Jesus. Actually, Jesus, this towering figure who always looked so sad on his cross scared me as a child. The fact that he was crucified was only terrifying and not at all touching to me, because my eight year old mind did not see how logically it was possible that through sacrificing himself God would forgive the rest of us for our sins. And ultimately, try as I might, my critical scientific mind could not believe in Heaven or an afterlife. I wanted to so very badly. It's just that the same part of me which knew with conviction there was no tooth fairy and no Santa Claus, knew with the same intuition that people must have made up this Heaven stuff just to make ourselves feel better.

So as I grew up, I prayed less and less. I slowly adopted a more pagan method of faith, I would sometimes have conversations with the trees and the skies when I felt lonely and in need of strength. And then as I grew up more, those conversations also ceased.

In high school and college I sometimes felt a longing for those days when I did believe in God or magical trees. But I knew that I did not have the capacity beyond my logical mind to accept the doctrine of most religions, and so I gave up on looking.

My trip to Italy sparked an interest in reading the Bible. So much of western culture and art and history is intertwined with this book and its stories that I felt I should read it properly at least once. But knowing how lazy I am, I started going to a bible study in a Christian fellowship. The bible was interesting, and as a grown up, I could try to understand the discussion more from different points of view, I no longer felt compelled to parse everything down with logic.

This is where I discovered that I do have faith, just not a faith that is compatible with theirs. Or any other mainstream religion.

The God I believe in is like abstract art, there are different interpretations and different manifestations, depending on the observer. For me God lies in the power of the natural universe (why are there physical laws? and why these ones?), this pull to search for something divine that tugs at most of the human race, and the existence of a universal moral code. I believe that beyond science and atoms and quarks, there is something greater that ties us all together. Different methods of worship are just different pathways towards divinity, and all contain wisdom about this search accumulated by the generations of humanity before us. Religion is a beautiful product of humanity. Many religions believe in a single God, some, like Buddhism believe divinity is within each and every one of us and can be reached by our own work, and then some believe in multiple Gods. Yet I do not believe that any single vehicle can be 100% correct, but that every one must find their own way for themselves. And I believe that those who find it necessary to oppress other views actually are in spirit further away from that concept of the divine. When I believe in my God and not yours, it should not make yours any less valid. I should not have to destroy you or object to your ideas to prove that I am right.s

I am a person of faith, just not of any religion. And I believe in God, just not yours.

The Awesome Island

I have a tendency to blabber, mostly about things I don’t know but which have happened to catch my attention. I’ve been reading this book/memoir written by a death penalty lawyer, called “The Autobiography of an Execution”. And so the death penalty ended up as conversation after dinner with friends one evening, and I blabbered on and on about how I am shocked and appalled by the injustices in this system, that I had never really realized it was so bad, that the death penalty is racist, classist and the difference between being executed or not is most of the time luck and legal technicalities which are stupid et cetera et cetera.

From this sorry state of affairs in capital punishment, my friends and I went on to count how many things are wrong with this society, such as corn subsidies, gender inequality, global warming…

Two of my friends, Stephen and Nora, sighed and said how they have this fantasy about buying an Island, and only have awesome people who “get it” live on it. They would have sustainable farming (and in Stephen’s island no using animal labor!), and justice for all, and gay marriage, and do things properly, responsibility, democratically. They would try to screen people for this awesomeness, and require a willingness to participate in cultivating such a positive and environmentally responsible community.

I joked how this would make a horrible reality show, where people would be kicked off the island. “You’re not awesome enough.” Stephen would say in a deep overly dramatic voice, then there would be sad sappy slow instrumental music and shots of people loading their bags onto solar-powered boats.

Other than my tendency to blabber, I also have the tendency to challenge other people’s ideas even if I think they are cool. Especially if they are cool. I bought up many technical reasons why this island would not work, and why it was not as awesome as they thought. If you are unsatisfied with the way the world is, why go hide in an island? Why not change the world?

“It’s impossible.” Nora and Stephen argued, empathetically. “We’ll make our island a success first, and use it as an example for how people should do things”

Is the world really beyond repair?

I know that feeling that Nora and Stephen were expressing: we look at the state of the world, and just feel helpless. Like we are the lone sensible people in the world. But I object to the concept of an island, because the world needs us sensible people to be part of it. It needs us who are so blessed and have so much-- we have the luxury of sitting around after dinner fuming about the injustices of the world, and the luxury of blabbering in a blog. We should use our vast resources and try to make the world more like what we would like it to be.

How can we not commend those that try to push against the forces that sustain injustice and poverty and inequality? Even if for these individuals or groups some of their efforts are futile? Wouldn’t we be worse off if they did not exist? To all those activists who dedicate their lives to making the world better, I salute you. To all those ordinary people who take the time or money to put a few drops of “just” in the ocean of injustice, I salute you.

And to myself, the intellectual who sits around and complains about how the world is not perfect, maybe it’s time I get off this awesome island where I sit and complain and jump into the sea of trying to make a difference.

Don't give up Jon

I've had a crush on Jon Stewart for years. But lately I don't follow the daily show quite as often, because:

1. I don't follow the news very closely, and feel that watching the clippings from the daily show will result in ill-informed judgements on my part.

2. Spending time watching Jon making fun of the stupid politicians and stupid news pundits is not the same as DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. (I keep planning to use this time sitting on my butt to do something worthwhile, but so far I just keep sitting on my butt, daydreaming...)

But still I am happy that Jon and his writers exist-- this segment is so well done and so true that it made me feel so sad. it makes me feel like maybe i will do something about it: like call my congresspeople and tell them they are f**king idiots.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-august-4-2010/i-give-up---9-11-responders-bill

Welcome back to facebook

One month off facebook. I am now back on the evil addictive networking site.

A month ago I left facebook with the goal to be more like that imagined ideal of myself before I was allowed to reactivate my account, but in the end the prospect of seeing pictures my friend Yvonne would post of a trip to New York City was too great a lure for me, and so not nearly a better person or closer to my goals, I am back.

Other than that vague goal of wanting to be a better person, I also wanted to curb my addiction to this stupid website. Which I often checked as often as e-mail throughout the day.

In the beginning of my detox, it felt weird, sometimes I would type the web address into my browser and almost log in, almost like a reflex of being in front of my computer. I itched and wondered what my "friends" were doing. Detox is hard, I mused. Life seemed awfully quiet. I found out that I am in fact rather lonely.

But in the end, I adjusted, with time spent away from the internet and prowling facebook, I called my sister more often, sometimes was inspired to e-mail far-away friends that I miss and ask what they're doing. Instead of reading status updates, I kept up with global news. Instead of going through people's photos, I read books and other online media, watched more movies and TV shows. Instead of updating my own status and posting things, I wrote longer articles and musings for myself and for my blog.

And now I know which of my 480 friends on facebook care to take the time and call me or write me an e-mail when I am not easily accessible through a profile page. Way way less than 480. But I am glad you exist. :D

(okay, now I have to refrain from logging into facebook and posting this to my profile :p)

A matter of practicality

On the trip back from New York City, my friends and I got into a brief discussion about Taiwanese politics. Three Taiwanese girls from different backgrounds (whose parents had very very different political views), and one Chinese girl from mainland China.

The three Taiwanese explained to the Chinese girl that in Taiwanese politics there are two main parties, the pan-blue (KMT) and pan-green (DPP). They are usually caricutured as pro-unification and pro-independence. But our pan-blue representative in the car clarified that it's not pro-unification, but to keep the "status quo".

What is the "status quo"? It is the fact that Taiwan operates independently in governance, international trade, military, but stumbles around in diplomacy (and therefore international events). We have more military power than Japan, yet are forced to call ourselves "Chinese Taipei" in the olympics and other world games. We elect our own president, and legislature, yet only 23 countries have diplomatic ties with us. We have a very succesful national health care system that covers most everyone on the island, yet we cannot get a seat in the WHO, or the UN, or most other things for that matter.

The "status quo" is de-facto independence. So one could argue that both major parties in Taiwan are in favor of independence, and so are the majority of voters. What differs is their attitude towards relations with China. One side is more pragmatic (and at the same time slightly erring on the side of being a push-over). The other side takes a more confrontational stance, an attitude cultivated by starting out as an opposition party in a authoritarian environment.

The Chinese girl in our company was surprised: "well if there are only 23 countries that admit you are an official country, why is it easier for you Taiwanese to get visas for the United States and many European countries than it is for us?"

The answer is the world is pragmatic. People will in the end find a way for things to function despite the politics. Just like the fact that although it sucks to be called Chinese Taipei during the olympics, if that's the way we get to compete that's the way we'll do it, after all it's just a name.

And most of the time we feel all of the fuss about cross-strait relations is just politics, often mostly posturing and competition between China and the United States, and misuse for election purposes by our own local politicians. We real people have more practical things to worry about, such as what to eat for dinner.