It's been a year since 11/11/11. It seems so long but then it feels so close. It is a funny kind of sadness. Different from all the other sorts of goodbyes. I could almost cry, but then I sort of also smile. Because of all the wonderful memories.
It is at random moments I think of you and miss you. Whenever I walk into the Barnes and Nobles where we used to spend our weekend afternoons reading, working, and gossiping. Whenever I pass by BTI where you worked. Whenever I see that blue couch of yours sitting in my living room- our houseguests still sleep on the pull-out mattress. Whenever somebody mentions the Catskills, or lunch at the Heights, or desserts at Madeleines. Whenever I hear one of those songs you gave me- you liked quirky songs - they are still amongst my most played songs in iTunes. Whenever I see a luffa.
That January in Taipei, I didn't know that it was the last time that I would see you in this lifetime or I would've hugged you harder. Last October on Skype, I didn't know it was the last time we would chat or I would've not gone off to answer another phone call. I would've sent you more e-mails and letters and packages if I had known that this was the last stretch of time to remind you that you were appreciated and loved. Should have, could have, would have.
But I guess what I can remember now is to really appreciate life and friends. And how you told me while I was complaining about all those mundane things, including not having a boyfriend, how you told me that 活著就有希望, there's hope as long as you're alive. And I remember how you were so brave, how the last time we were on Skype, around a month before your death, you really sounded at peace. Death is not the most horrible thing, you said, there are worse sufferings and pain. And I try to remember that, when I can, it puts many of my little worries and anxieties in perspective.
You once told me you were afraid that once you were gone, people would get over it quickly. That eventually everybody would move on, that nobody would miss you for long. I'm writing this post to say I still do think of you, miss you, wish you were here. That I smile when I think of you. Even if I'm sad. But that's a good way to leave an imprint on someone's life. And I'm sure many of your friends feel that exact same way.
