Nobody's Perfect

So many songs and stories are composed this way, so many movies and TV shows, and so many glowing couples around us think this way.  We expect our romantic partner to be our soulmate and companion, "our all", "our everything"- the one person who understands us know us is there for us.

But, lately I've been thinking, is that a reasonable expectation?  What is a reasonable expectation of a partner? (Darn, I'm starting to sound like SJP from Sex and the City...)

Now I am probably the least qualified person in the world to go on a rant about this, since I've only ever had 1.5 long distance relationships, so in fact I really don't know how bad it can be or good if the person is or is not your soulmate.  But I recently read this very convincing book about "singlism" as a form of discrimination, how we automatically assume things about people who are single, how laws and workplaces favor those who are coupled.   She pointed out that due to our unreasonable expectation of the function of a spouse, as both best friend and lover, we overburden romantic relationships, and also neglect all other meaningful relationships.

And I know this all too well- many of my friends have little time for me when they are in a relationship (hanging out a few times a week becomes let's have dinner once every month or two months), when I invite somebody non-single to something, the reply is often, "well, i have to see about XXX (husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife)'s schedule."

But I am guilty too.  In dating, in finding someone to date, I am often "picky".   Not picky in the usual terms of appearance or job or age, but picky in terms of "what do you think about this random topic" "do you have a temper" "can you understand me" "are you a good listener" "can you make me laugh"... And usually I want all those things, and so logically of course there is no one that fits the bill, or the probability of meeting such a person is of course very low.  And then when I think I have met such a person, usually through the course of getting to know them some other issue crops up (such as "you don't really have the right sense of humor to understand my jokes"),  and of course then this person "is not meant for me".

And I realize I am setting the bar extremely high.  But my friends tell me I should, books and movies and self-help websites also say I should.   Every single glowing wedding invitation or declaration of love  seems to imply I should.  The only person who ever says I should settle for "good enough" or "a decent guy" is my mother.

After some deliberation, I think the resolution to this issue is not where one sets the bar.  But to really have reasonable expectations- and also find fulfillment and support in your friends and family.  Surround yourself with people who enrich your life and love you, regardless of whether or not you're single.  I don't know if this is the answer- I'm still working on it.  But feel free to share- what do you think?    


p.s. This post is dedicated to the friend I called today for the first time in 8-9 months.  I miss you!  We need to talk more!